Thursday, November 22, 2007

The mystery of Dag's hat

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"Whenever I feel depressed I just talk to my
rabbit" - Captain Sensible

"I've gained no wisdom. There's nothing good about
aging. You just deteriorate and die" - Woody Allen
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|_| |_| 22.11.07 ISSUE 376
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* "Gordon - I'm Out!"
* Skull guard caught red-handed
* Charts: Leona Lewis is still number one

>> You've been framed? <<
Watch out Blake, Beadle's about

Blake Fielder-Civil, aka Mr Amy Winehouse,
currently banged up in Pentonville, is
telling anyone who'll listen that he's
innocent and didn't attempt to bribe the
bloke he assaulted to drop the charges, and
that it's a fit up. Well, whatever the truth
of that, one gang does have a plan afoot to
get some drugs and a hidden camera into
Pentonville to stitch him up and sell the
subsequent photos to the tabloids.

Chechnya's Presidential wingnut, Ramzan Kadyrov, has
given an order to limit the amount of celebration
gunfire at weddings. "Two or three shots are enough,
and not from large-calibre machine guns", he says.

>> Chelsy boots Harry <<
Prince's lady back on the market

Despite tabloid reports that Chelsy and Harry
are back together, that might not be the
whole story. We're hearing the bubbly blonde
has her eye on a tall, dark and handsome
Leeds-dweller.Well, you do need something to
keep you warm in your first Yorkshire winter.

Ian Brown is often seen in the village cake shop in
Lymm, Cheshire. He buys cream doughnuts for his
children and an iced finger for himself.

>> Art wank <<
Guard caught red-handed

When Damien Hirst's diamond skull was exhibited
at White Cube earlier this year, as well as a
guard on duty 24/7, it had a secret safe hidden
underneath, into which the fifty million pound
skull would drop at the end of the day. On one
occasion, after the gallery had closed, the
guard turned round and saw the skull had
vanished! New to the job and unaware of the
existence of the safe, the guard pressed
the alarm and called for help. All was well,
the skull was in its safe, and the guard was
suitably embarrassed. Although not as
embarrassed as he was later, when gallery staff
had checked the cctv to see what had happened,
and saw that the guard had missed what had
gone on because he was standing in the corner
of the room having a crafty wank.

The Spice Girls' comeback single looks set to be the
lowest-selling Children In Need Record.

>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week

A crew member on a very posh Mediterranean
yacht tells us he stumbled upon which
world statesman snogging the yacht captain's
wife on deck, while his spouse was asleep
in their cabin?

Which Cabinet member's son was snapped after
a university party with a couple of
Anderton-alikes in bed and several lines on
the table nearby? The student who took the
photos still has them.

The latest McCann swingers rumour doing the rounds
is that Robert Murat is the King of The Swingers
in Portugal, and is therefore responsible for
snatching Maddie's disappearance.

>> Safety first <<
Airport security: not all that

A flight attendant tells us about a recent flight
out of Johannesburg. The attendants were doing
the usual cross-checking, pre-flight routine
when the senior steward realised that upstairs
on the jumbo no-one was responding.

Confused, and mildly concerned that something
bad could have happened, like a flight attendant
falling ill, or a hijack, he ran up the stairs
to investigate, but just found a scene of calm.
"What's going on, and why didn't you answer me?"
he asked the flight attendant. "Well", she
answered. "My sister is the flight attendant.
She wasn't feeling well this morning so we
thought if I wore her uniform and came along for
the trip no-one would notice."

Sky News have a show next Monday about otters being
killed by people trying to catch crayfish. (They
are being enouraged by TV chefs, apparently).

>> Safari so goody <<
Jackiey talks her way to the Gambia

Jade Goody's mum, Jackiey Budden, was on a
flight to the Gambia recently. The poor chap
who found himself sitting next to her was
treated to a six-hour non stop monologue about
her life, including a 30 minute slot just on
how she spells her name. There was no movie
on the plane. Not even headphones.

Detroit band The Romantics are suing Activision over
a version of their song What I Like About You that
appears on the game Guitar Hero Encore: Hits of the 80s.

>> Unfair trade <<
Farmer tells TV chef to hop it

Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall isn't the most
popular man in Dorset. He recently went
to Axminster farming suppliers Mole
Avon, picked up a basketload of goods and
walked to the front of the queue. A
farmer who had been patiently queuing
shouted out "Hey! What are you doing? Get
back!" Hugh replied "Don't you know who
I am?" When the farmer suggested that he
didn't much care, Hugh abandoned his basket
and walked out.

FYI: The main gripe about Hugh in the
village currently is that the scones he sells,
costing one pound each, are not made by him or
on his farm, "but in Bridport".

Get free mobile content from the amazing NME Rock'n'
Roll Riot Tour when you buy the new Samsung F210 on O2

>> Bleeding love <<
Lynne Franks meets Mother Earth

Legend has it that on one balmy summer's night
in Majorca Lynne Franks decided to lie in
a ditch by the side of a road casually
menstruating. She was giving something back
to Mother Earth.

FYI Get Rodney Marsh or John Burton Race out.
Want a free 25 quid bet?

The girl in the Wonderbra take-off of the Cadbury's
In The Air Tonight advert is Bad Ass Strippa
flop Jentina.

>> "Gordon - I'm Out!" <<
Dragon tells MPs to cough up

When Dragon's Den judge Duncan Bannatyne's
company took over the Living Well gym in
Westminster he discovered that MP members
(including Estelle Morris, Gordon Brown and
Paul Boateng) were paying a hugely reduced
rate compared to the 85 pounds per month that
all the regular members were paying. Bannatyne
was not impressed, raging "If Mr Brown wants
to be a member of THIS gym, he can pay the
same as everyone else".

Gordon Brown no longer uses that gymnasium,
but Anne Widdecombe does.

FYI: A fellow gym-goer tells us that Gordon Brown is
"incredibly pale and doughy" and that he's "not at
all keen on flashing" his penis in the changing rooms.
However he's seen it briefly and it was "unmemorable".

Free holiday, all expenses paid, round Europe with
five mates? If only...

>> Things that make you go hmmm <<
Pheromone, football heads, Sesame Street

Send someone a message in which McCain potatoes
sing a song. It's silly, made us laugh, and our
mums loved it. (And we rather stupidly gave
you the wrong link last week):

Thinking of donating marrow? Make sure it's the
right kind of marrow for the Anthony Nolan Trust:

Would you like to go to the most outrageous
party in London?

Original Sesame Street series are now on DVD.
And have a "parental advisory" sticker - not
suitable for children. We disagree:

10% off two or more t-shirt. Promo code
"popbitch" at the checkout.

Brilliant football game to waste your day playing:

Where Mick Hucknall gets his pulling power?

Altec Lansing's Orbit is the only portable speaker
you are ever going to win. And you can win a NYE
trip to Berlin by dancing like a God:

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 25th Nov

Spice Girls blunder but Leona just keeps
bleeding. Will she ever stop bleeding?
We're starting to prefer Jamie Scott &
The Town's cover:

++ Number One
LEONA LEWIS Bleeding Love

++ Top Ten
SHAYNE WARD Breathless
SPICE GIRLS Headlines (Friendship Never Ends)

++ Top Forty
GALLOWS Staring At Rude Bois

>> End Bit <<
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Old Jokes Home:
I asked my girlfriend to tell me something that would
make me happy and sad at the same time.

She said I've got a bigger dick than my dad.

Still Bored:
The best (and hardest) sea otter quiz in the world:

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