Saturday, February 16, 2008

It's late, (pop) Bitch !

Stop. Panda time! Are you an amateur auteur? Make
a panda music video on new Popbitch TV:

“50% of the men in prison are loved by their mothers
but they don't love their mothers back” - Mr T
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|_| |_| 14.02.08 ISSUE 385
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* Hunting for Chelsy
* Dancing on thin ice
* Charts: Nickelback are number one

>> Sweet Child O' Mine <<
London is the future of rock 'n' roll

Slash from Guns n' Roses has retired from the
hard drinking, smacked out, groupie-fuelled
rock scene to a world of suburban family bliss.
Almost. Mr and Mrs Slash have two cute little
boys Cash, age three, and London, who is six.
London may be a chip off the old block.

A babysitter got the full force of Slash Jnr's
charm. She was accosted by London with the words
“You can't get past me unless you take off your
clothes - you're hot!” And when she went to
kiss the boys goodnight he told her he wanted
to stick his tongue down her throat. Alas sleep
didn't come and the boys began to figh. When
Cash started crying to London “You've hurt my
balls again”, the babysitter decided that
night would be her last.

Massive Attack will be this year's artistic
directors of the Meltdown Festival.

>> What a shower <<
Kerry is the new Oscar Wilde

honk writes:
“Kerry Katona's 'baby shower' at Hospital. Her
'people' had aptly filled the room full of
gawpers and no-marks, indeed the highest level
of celebrity was Ziggy from Big Brother.

“She thanked everyone for coming, then added,
with Wildean comic timing, 'not literally'.
On the plus side, I do have a photo of her
shovelling an armful of chips into her mouth
which I may laminate and put on my fridge
door as a deterrent.”

Last week's Dramatic Lemur was in fact a Dramatic
Tarsier. We're told the Tarsier has the longest
continuous unchanged fossil record of any primate.

>> Dancing on thin ice <<
Garraway ballroom blitzes the Mirror

Will the Sunday Mirror come to regret their
decision to publish the Kate Garraway playing
away story? Convinced there was something
fishy going on, reporters had tailed her
for more than three weeks but the photos
of a slightly shifty embrace outside a pub
were as good as they'd got. An insider tells
us that with no big splash for the front
page confirmed - and a lot of cash invested
in the investigation - they decided to take
their chance and run with it.

Need some help with your Valentine pulling power?
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Strip Bingo and luxury weekend away.

>> Head-hunter <<
Getting on a story the tabloid way

Nice work if you can get it. A tabloid
dispatched a handsome young reporter to Leeds
with a wad of twenties and the instruction
“to find Chelsy Davy and shag her”.
He's still waiting.

Beagle Uno won Best in Show at the Westminster Kennel
Club Dog Show. He's the first beagle to be named top
dog. As his owner said, "Snoopy would be proud.”

>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week

Whose relationship split has brought back
the rumours that their union was sparked
by a contract brokered by their
publicists who were keen to dampen down
speculation about both celebrities'
private lives?

What's wrong with Britain? The publicly voted short-
list for “Celebrity Mum of the Year” includes Mel B,
Posh, Heather Mills, Katie Price and Kate Garraway.

>> Food for thought <<
Like lambs to the slaughter

Waitrose is making a film on an Oxfordshire
farm to show to its shareholders meeting,
to confirm that the firm's farming and produce
is all lovely and ethical. The farm is indeed
everything they say it is. Wonder if they'll
mention that it is owned by Lord Sainsbury.

Shane Richie said on his Facebook page this week
that “Chris Moyles is a fat unfunny man”.

>> Valentine's Viola <<
Soothing music to get through this shite

Here's the perfect soothing music for
Valentine's Day. Once a boy soprano, Fredo
Viola is now working on a collaboration with
Massive Attack.


Felch Township, in Michigan, hosts the towns of
Felch and Felch Mountain, and was after long-dead
Governor and US Senator, Alpheus Felch.

>> Toilet humour <<
Jimmy Nail's back to amuse us

Jimmy Nail is back. Don't all cheer at once.
He's starring in a BBC1 sitcom called Parents
of The Band, and plays a former music industry
exec with ambitious plans for his teenage
son's band. TV production folk will shudder.
Crew members remember the shoot for Crocodile
Shoes. Nail hated portaloos, and one day,
needing a dump, got the line producer to
knock on people's doors to ask someone to
let Jimmy use the toilet, until one star-struck
bog-owner said yes.

John Leslie spotted in a white linen suit, in a
pharmacist in Sydney's Circular Quay, asking for
something for a rash on his neck.

>> Buck's Fizz boxers burglary <<
Say sorry to a star with popbitch

two_left_feet writes:
“I was invited to David van Day’s house
for a party during the time he was in Bucks
Fizz. When I got to his house in Hove, his
wife showed us where to put our coats, which
was the room they obviously used as a laundry.
We placed our coats on top of a pile of
clean washing and joined the throng. David and
his wife were great fun and a real laugh and
it didn’t matter that we’d never met. When I
left, very drunk on gin, I decided to borrow
something from the clean laundry basket as a
memento. I left with a pair of M&S knitted
boxer briefs (medium), which I cherished until
I sobered up. Then I threw them out. Sorry
Mr van Day - I can’t begin to tell you how
ashamed I am of this.”

Bill Nighy's daughter has this full name: Mary Bing
Jamie Alfreda Leonora Quick Kit Nighy

>> Bachelor party <<
What is it about gays and Gruffudd?

MM writes:
“I read your story on Ioan Gruffudd. I am also
a boy who once met him at a party. I had drunk
seven martinis, the free bar had run out, so I
demanded that he buy me a drink and dance with
me. He bought me a sea breeze but just moved
around a bit awkwardly while I threw random
drunken shapes. We chatted and he was totally
charming. And then he went home with my
beautiful friend. And according to her, he
was a great shag.”

Arabic countries have adopted a charter to allow
censorship and punishment of satellite TV channels
which offend Arab leaders or religious symbols.
Except Qatar, home to al-Jazeera, who refused.

>> Bear cheek <<
All you need to know about Flocke

Disgruntled Berlin zoo-goers are complaining
that Knut is being kept out of visitors' sight
for most days. They claim it's to protect him
but an insider tells us it's all political -
to stop the attention on him and away from
the other animals. So we'd better turn our
attention to Nuremberg's rival polar bear
after all. Five things to know about Flocke:

1. Four people look after her so that she
doesn't get too attached to her owner.
2. Flocke first drew blood with her claws
at 5 weeks old (but didn't mean it).
3. She is fed on a mix of puppy milk, vitamins
and cod-liver oil with a shot of maize
syrup to prevent constipation.
4. Flocke doesn't yet have milk-teeth even
though she's now two months old, and
polar bears usually get them at around 30 days.
5.. When she's about four months old Flocke
will be given porridge with carrots, chopped
liver and mince.

Polar bears and huskies.
Adopted by the religious right:

Got a shoe fetish? Check out the gorgeous heels on
show at London Fashion Week at now:

>> Things that make you go hmm <<
All you need is love - even otters

Christina Amphlett of The Divinyls is
suffering from Multiple Sclerosis. Remember
her in happier days when she could still
touch herself:

12” 80s Love has the extended mix of ABC's
All Of My Heart, which sounds just perfect:

This week we are loving the clever new wine
things at The East Room, Shoreditch:

Kangaroo self-love:

Otters getting down to it. Blimey.

Feeling neglected this Valentine's? Discoo
loves you. Get £10 on us and Free Delivery
when you spend £40 on a lovely dress or
funky tee. Use code "polarbears" at checkout.

Cash from luvvies - we reckon the only open
Oscar race is Best Supporting Actress:

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 17th Feb

++ Number One
* The track has been in the top 40 for
16 weeks before hitting number one. A record.

++ Top Ten
THE FEELING I Thought It Was Over

++ Top Twenty
PARAMORE Misery Business

>> End Bit <<
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Thanks to: AM, SW, WB, LT, AM, x Am, T, HS,
lb, deep_stoat, bobbifleckmann, captbuckeye, AM
tamarabumpdeeay, intheissynoho,

Old Jokes Home:
A woman comes home on Valentine's Day
with a duck under her arm.
Her husband meets her at the door.
She says "This is the pig I'm shagging".

"That's not a pig, it's a duck," he replies.

"I was talking to the duck."

Still Bored:
The German sausage rug. Everyone needs one:

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