Sunday, September 28, 2008


The slowest Bond film I think. Those bloody Russians.


CLASSIC. Better than Bad Boys II.

Thursday, September 25, 2008


What's all the fuss about ?

Funding Mentalism‏

Economy collapsing? Global warming out of control?
Relax and watch some dirty movies: Strictly Broadband -
the adult video site you can trust.

"揑抦 37. I have nothing to say about the new
90210. Who gives a shit.??Sarah Silverman

"I'd love to appear on Strictly Come Dancing myself
although I wouldn't have been able to do it this year
with my swollen boobs and lipo scars." - Kerry Katona
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|_| |_| 25.09.08 ISSUE 415
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
go to

* John McCain's chopper
* Jordan: constipation good, prolapse bad
* Charts: Kings of Leon are still number one

>> Help Morris! <<
Turn terrorism comedy into movie

We told you that Chris Morris' terror cell
comedy had been rejected by a fearful Channel 4
and BBC. It seems they have a history of
this. Muslim comedian Omar Mazouk was to
present a mockumentary about misguided
suicide bombers for BBC but this was also
nixed. He took the idea to a TV network in
Denmark instead, where it's getting rave reviews.

And putting two fingers up to TV commissioners,
Morris is turning his Jihadi sitcom into a
film. He's got producers at Warpfilm and a
distributor. All he needs now is enough money
to make the film. Which is where we come in.
Popbitch readers donating between 25 and 100
quid to help get the film made will get the
chance to be in it. So get out your cheque book
and burkha and email:

Chris would not deny or confirm that recruits
who sign up will also get a free al-Qaeda
explosives handbook.

Popbitch's favourite autobiography title:
Girls Aloud's Dream That Glitter.

>> Chateau temporary <<
Maybe Monty likes writing more than vineyards

Chateau Monty is the TV show that has wine writer
Monty Waldin trying to run a vineyard. He can't
have liked it very much. TV folk tell us that
when filming was over, so was Monty's career as
a vineyard owner.

Natalie, Nicole and Mel All Saints spotted yesterday
walking on Hampstead Heath in the rain. They were
all carrying a small dog.

>> Bike wars <<
McCain offers Sarah Palin a ride on his chopper

All you have to do is stand for President and
American companies start showering you with
freebies. John McCain was just given a customised
motorbike, by Orange County Choppers. It's
designed to be a tribute to PoWs - the barbed
wire highlights are especially tasteful.

When McCain was presented with the bike he said
"Sarah and I are going to get on that chopper
and ride it straight to Washington!".

Sadly John McCain doesn't have a bike license and
his years as a PoW means he can't lift his arms
high enough to reach the handlebars. Plus the
lack of rear suspension would aggravate his
enlarged prostate. Oh and the bike isn't road
legal either. Nice work, Orange County Choppers.


Choppers for Obama!

Secretly jealous of Brand Beckham? Don't let them have
all the fun (and all the money). You too have a
personal brand. It can bring you success and money if
you know how. Get help from the UK experts at iWorkshop?
Only 149.99 but popbitch readers get 25 pounds off
until 3rd Oct. Enter code at checkout: popbitch). ******************************************************

>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week

Which UK TV star's marriage is going through a
rough patch not just because of her work
commitments but because her husband is more
interested in the attentions of other men?

Neil Tennant passed his driving test yesterday.

>> Constipation good, prolapse bad <<
Jordan's handy definition for celeb privacy

As lawyers desperately scrabble to define what
is or isn't private, Jordan has come up with
her own definition in OK!

Q: You had surgery for a prolapsed womb?
A: I don't want to talk about that because
it's no-one's business.

Next paragraph
Q: What was wrong with your bowels?
A: "... I had to have a catheter fitted and I
was so blocked I couldn't go to the toilet
for 13 days... when I finally did, it took me
three hours to give birth to a pebble."

Emma Bunton and boyfriend Jade were shopping this
week in Borehamwood Shopping Centre. She was carrying
a small bag from Clarks.

>> Reporting from Afghanistan <<
What has the army got up its sleevies

The BBC recently did a documentary uncovering
bullying in the army. Obviously to make the
show a journalist had to join the army, go
through training etc. Once his investigation
was complete he needed to leave in order
to complete the expose so he claimed his
girlfriend was pregnant and was forcing him
to leave the army - allowing him to resign
on compassionate grounds.

The army have now worked out this was untrue so
are said to be looking at making the reporter
come back and complete his service, as he is
legally obliged to do so. Bosses think he'd
be perfect for a posting to Afghanistan.

The Telegraaf newspaper in Holland has a column
from renowned personal trainer, Oswin Beingsick:

>> Steven Garbo <<
Gerrard just wants to be left alone, kinda

Another celebrity with an odd concept of privacy
is Steven Gerrard. When we suggested Steven was
looking at a new house in Lancashire, his lawyers
were very quick to claim Gerrard's privacy was
being invaded. So it's surprising to see Steven
this week on the front cover of OK! invading his
own privacy with a family photo-shoot at his
"exclusive Portuguese holiday hideaway". As he
recently told footballers' style-bible Icon,
"When I want to get away from football with my
family and there are people following us with
cameras. I feel I deserve my own time with my
family too... it annoys me when people don't
respect my family's privacy."

Last weekend's best golf news:two-ball pairing in the
Viking Classic in Minnesota: Brian Gay and Dicky Pride.

>> Hey Big spenders <<
How not to get a suit in London

The credit crunch is even biting in celebrity
world. Sex and the City's Mr Big, Chris Noth
needed a new suit in London recently so got a small
London boutique to come to his Claridges suite
and do a fitting for him. Noth was pleasant,
and the fitting went well. After he left, the
boutique owner asked his 'people" how they
should bill for their work. There was some
awkward shuffling of feet until it dawned on
the shop manager that the actor's staff had
assumed they would get it for free. Cue more
awkwardness until the boutique manager left.

Nearly all of Sainsbury's smoked salmon is produced
by Ian Anderson from Jethro Tull.

>>> American thought police <<
Baggage screening is SO 2007

Airport security in America is turning Orwellian.
Homeland Security is testing a new generation of
security screening - one that can read your mind.
Malintent has a series of sensors and imagers that
read your body temperature, heart rate and
respiration for unconscious tells invisible to the
naked eye. Security chiefs say this will help them
find the signals terrorists and criminals may
display in advance of an attack. Those of you
scared of flying, or trying to smuggle a tiny bit
of weed in your wallet, give up now or prepare for
life in Guantanemo. The man behind the new system
says his goal is to "restore a sense of freedom."

Celebrity hotel names: Cindy Crawford checks in as
Ann Walker. Tyra Banks is Heather Kelly.

>> Things that make you go hmm <<
Ferret, muppets, anti-social networking

Bored with Facebook? Getting tired of poking,
biting and throwing sheep at your friends? Welcome
to the advent of Anti-Social Networking. You can
even cheat at Scrabble:

Shoes to die for ?check out the hottest partying
heels around:

Everything you ever wanted to know about muppets:

Ferret tarot:

Killers' new single is absolutely brilliant!

Spore is a new computer game where you can
design fantastical creatures and make them live.
So, what do the mongs of the internet do with this
amazing creative power? Make phallic animals of
course. Like this dancing penis monster with teeth.

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 28th September

++ Number One

++ Top Ten
FAITH HILL There You'll Be

++ Top Twenty
KANYE WEST Love Lockdown

++ Top Forty

>> End Bit <<
Stuff about Popbitch

* Email stories, gossip:

* Subscribe or unsubscribe here:

* Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd.

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Thanks to: AM, SW, harry topknot, LM, toofattoskate,
danceswithmustelids, Am, CS, SW, calendergirl,
fman, fatlimey, godhatesshrimp,

Old Jokes Home:
Q: What goes clip clop clip clop clip clop
clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop
bang bang clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop ?

A: An Amish drive by shooting.

Still Bored:
Sarah Palin's handler let her out long enough
to do a TV interview. Katie Couric doesn't
look impressed:

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Sunday, September 21, 2008


Lovely film. Gosling does a good job.

IN DEPTH FILM REVIEW - Pineapple Express

Awesome. Like kissing God's vagina.


One of the most insane films I have ever seen.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Wednesday, September 17, 2008


No Heroics: not just a comedy about superheroes in a
pub but the first ITV show ever to feature Brian
Eno's Needle In The Camel's Eye, from Here Come
The Warm Jets. Thursday (tonight), 10.30pm, ITV2.

"You talk about countries which get together as gangs
- you know like the G8 summit. Some people might
look at that as a gang, getting together." - Ice Cube

"What's wrong with a miniskirt? You can cause an
accident because some of our people are weak
mentally," - Nsaba Buturo, Uganda's Minister for
Ethics and Integrity.
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|_| |_| 18.09.08 ISSUE 414
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
go to

* Pigs in Space: celebrity flyers
* Double Kevin mayhem!
* Charts: Kings of Leon are still number one

>> Vote Costner <<>> Lambeth confidential <<>> Don't stop til your nose falls off << href="" target="_blank">

>> Big Questions <<>> Pigs in space pt 2 <<>> Bobby Rooney <<>> Popbits << href="" target="_blank">
2. Plastic Little - Brooklyn
3. Pnau - Embrace

Peter Andre says he's recording an album off his
own back without the help of a record label. (Which
used to be called "not having a deal".)

>> Hitting Hamilton <<>> Joseph Jones << "I close my ears, drew back the curtain" etc Blue Peter favourite, turned Strictly Come Dancing granny pin-up, Gethin Jones is taking to the stage. He's joining the cast of "Joseph And His Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat in the lead role. Gethin may have a little work to do to convince the rest of the cast he's not just there to bring his TV fans in. His first rehearsal was described by a cast member as "So flat it had canals." ------------------------------------------------------ Kate Middleton's lawyers have written to newspapers protesting at paparazzi behaviour towards her after the charity roller skating event she organised. (Note to Kate, perhaps not inviting press to photograph you in hotpants and leg-warmers might help, love). ------------------------------------------------------ >> Motown mania << href="" target="_blank">

Press release of the week: "Faye Tozer Steps Into The
Shoes Of Eva Cassidy". Faye will be touring Britain
for three months starring as the dead singer.

>> Fall TV <<>> Things that make you go hmm << href="" target="_blank">

Much touted band The Script's lead singer
used to be in Mytown. Party all night!

It's almost Peace Day. If anyone other than
al-Qaeda wanted to know where to find Jude Law,
Bryan Adams and David Bentley in the same place
all the info is here. (It's a good cause really)

Paul Draper from Mansun likes listening
to Mansun:

Candidates bling up dead soldier style: according
to the New Yorker, Barack Obama wears a bracelet given
to him by the mother of a soldier killed in Iraq, as
does John McCain. McCain, however, mentions that his
bracelet belonged to an "Iraq veteran who was killed"
- every time he makes an appearance before a
veteran group.

One for fans of Extreme:

Stock market crashes, bankers suicidal, it
must be the 80s... time to think about
drinking Malibu:

Harrods are running a British original comic book
artwork exhibition from now until the end of October.
Original artboard pages from Watchmen, Tamara Drewe,
Tank Girl, Jackie, Killing Joke, Oor Wullie, V For
Vendetta, etc. (Entrance via Door 5, Lower Ground
Floor. Ask a startled security guard where all the
comics people are, he or she will show you.)

>> Chart Predictions <<>> End Bit << href="" target="_blank">

* Popbitch is published by Popdog Ltd.

* Web hosting by:

* Mail by aysabtu

Thanks to: AM, SW, LM-ES, CS, L, MOB, quercusmarner,
fatlimey, celtiagirl, C, majorbloodnok, F, JK, CM

Old Philosophers Jokes Home:
A Freudian, a Jungian, and a Lacanian walk into a bar.
The Freudian orders a cigar. The Jungian orders an
Etruscan mask to conceal his face. "You cretins!"
says the Lacanian. He then orders a beer, which,
however, he does not desire.

dope sheet action
the online dope sheet* of independent film
the 18 September 2008 edition
Read this newsletter online here
This week
Ha Ha
More Zombies
Not a member yet? Click to join
Raindance Logo
Have you bought your ticket yet?
All Access Passes Now on Sale

With the Raindance Film Festival less than two weeks away, why not consider the Raindance Pass - All Access. It's £125 (£100 for Raindance members).

There are loads of things you get with a Festival Pass:
+ Opening & Closing Night Galas including Parties
+ All Raindance screenings at Cineworld and The Rex
+ All Special Events including Live Music Performances
+ Limited edition 16th Festival T-shirt
+ Limited edition 16th Festival Bag
+ 16th Festival Commemorative Programme

Book now to guarantee your Raindance Pass.
Indie Tip

Hundreds of films didn't manage to make it into this year's Festival. There are many reasons why they may not have made the grade.

If you're a producer, here are ten things that may help your chances next time, ten things every producer should know (but doesn't).

Read them here
Four Eyed Monsters Competition

Arin Crumley's and Susan Buice's much-admired internet project Four Eyed Monsters has now been released on DVD. The first feature length movie to be uploaded to YouTube in its entirety, for a period of two months in 2007, this milestone event caused the blog-o-sphere to erupt and instantly made the film an internet cult classic.

In addition to the feature, the DVD includes thirteen video podcasts, which were created as an extension to the story and which follow the journey of the filmmakers from when the film first was accepted to the Slamdance Film Festival, through to their various efforts to self-distribute the film in the United States. The package is also complimented by the wonderful soundtrack, which includes some of the best up-and-coming indie bands in the US, alongside such recognizable names as The Brian Jonestown Massacre and The Spinto Band.

Our friends over at Dogwoof have kindly agreed to give away three copies of the DVD / CD package to the first correct replies to the following question:

What was the name of the recent documentary which charted the fortunes of The Brian Jonestown Massacre?

Please send your answers to
Hancock One Night Stand

Sick of lounging in front of poor-quality tv and know you can do better? What's yours about?

But wait: what's it really about? How do you maintain believability while making us, you know, laugh? That's what you'll begin to master in Write the Sitcom, Sell the Sitcom, a one-day course focusing exclusively on the drafting and distribution of that grandest popular entertainment, the sitcom. Attention will be paid to all different platforms and audiences, running the gamut from the BBC to commercial radio to breaking into the American sitcom market.

Dave Cohen has written for dozens of radio and television shows, and is a regular writer for "Have I Got News for You." He currently has sitcoms in development with BBC1, ITV1 and Channel Four.

Write the Sitcom, Sell the Sitcom
27 September
Central London
£145 + VAT (15% off for members)

Les Claypool 16th Raindance Film Festival

Our Festival this year has a live music side...bands playing, open mic nights, weird performances.

Check out more here

As I was queuing up to use the loo I got talking to one of the professional extras who was being paid to be there and who seemed to do this kind of thing for a living.

She soon took a disliking to me because I used the word 'extra', apparently a big no-no around, well, extras. The correct term, as I was promptly informed was "supporting artiste". That was me told.

Read what happened when Steph became a zombie.
No Idea RDTV

What are friends for? Check out the new releases on to discover the power of friendship.

Resigning to fate and losing hope, Bee Boy seems destined to be confined in a hive. Someone else has other plans, though, leading out an adventure in attempt to rescue the poor Bee Boy once the bee-keeper's back is turned.

When his best friend is in danger, he abandons all thoughts of suicide and goes to the rescue. But who will save himself? His best friend, of course, as they fight together against his troubles and the Falcon Club in A Final Flight of the Falcons.

Hank, Aaron, and the Alien from Outer Space is another humorous best friend feature that goes a bit out of this world. Hank's girlfriend, Crystal, claims she has had an extraterrestrial encounter, while Aaron befriends an alien. Watch to find out what will happen to the four of them.

Nick Cave Elsewhere

One of the year's most anticipated films just got even better - Nick Cave is to write the score for THE ROAD.

imdb is to host over 6000 full-length feature films for free

Thanks to Steph
Zombie Strippers Zombie Strippers

Zombies...check. Strippers...check.

What could go wrong?

Announcing the UK Film Council's Short Film Fund Premiere

When: 7pm, Thursday 23rd October 2008

For details and to buy tickets, go here.

The Completion Fund is managed by Maya Vision International.
We are currently inviting entries to the 2009 Fund.
Details here.
"Get Fair" Campaign Launch to feature classic film by Mike Leigh

Open House Film Club presents, supporting the launch of the Get Fair campaign against poverty and social injustice in the UK (, a rare screening of the classic film Naked plus short films by Future Shorts. This will be followed by a discussion and Q&A with five time Oscar nominee, Palme d'Or winning filmmaker Mike Leigh, chaired by OHFC founder Christoph Warrack.

"Naked" tells the story of three days in the life of Johnny (David Thewlis) as he escapes Manchester and ends up on the streets in London. Johnny has vivid thoughts and theories about time, the meaning of life, and the coming apocalypse, and his relationships and encounters are brought to life with Leigh's extraordinary skill and realism.

Venue: Odeon West End, 40 Leicester Square WC2H 7LP
Time: 6.15pm, Thursday 18 September 2008
Tickets: £10.00 from / 0871 22 44 007

OHFC - Films and Filmmakers for the Homeless since 2005
Bad Boy Bubby Curiouser and Curiouser

This week - Bad Boy Bubby (Rolf De Heer, 1993)

This is a very odd Australian film about a man called Bubby who has spent his entire life locked up in an incestuous relationship with his mother after she brought him up to believe that the air outside was full of poisonous gasses. When his long lost father reappears Bubby escapes and becomes a local celebrity singing as part of a band. He also has a dead cat that he keeps wrapped in cling film and sporadically offers to feed it pizza whilst being dressed as a priest. Very strange indeed but surprisingly heart warming - if you can make it to the end.

Steph insists you watch all these.
Free Screening

Metrodome are releasing extreme skiing film STEEP at BFI IMAX London on 26 September. To celebrate the release, they are offering 20 pairs of free tickets to an exclusive preview screening.

The screening takes place on Sunday 20 September, at 9:30am at The BFI IMAX, Waterloo, London.

To apply, e-mail with 'Raindance Screening' in the subject field, and your name in the body of the email.
Have Your Film Screened on BBC2!

Following the success of last year, BBC Blast's Film Festival and Bursary are back!

If you're are a budding filmmaker between 13-19 you canenter your film for the opportunity to see it screened on BBC TWO. If you're 16-19 you can also apply for the Blast Bursary for the chance to win a £3000 budget to work with industry professionals on your next film and to have your film shown at Blast Film Live Festival 2009.

Successful submissions will be aired in November and December on Blast on BBC TWO.

Or online via dropsend and yousendit to

For more information and Terms and Conditions please visit:
A Night of Networking at CIDA Film Cafe

When: Wednesday 24 September 2008, 6pm-9pm
Where: Genesis Cinema, 93-95 Mile End Road
London E1 4UJ
Cost: Free

CIDA (the Cultural Industries Development Agency) is holding its bi-annual Film Café networking evening. CIDA has brought together leading film financiers, support agencies, broadcasters and distributors to give filmmakers and those interested in film production the opportunity to network and find out what support is available to help them develop their film production businesses.

As an event highlight will launch their latest short film challenge, designed with CIDA. This challenge invites amateur and professional filmmakers to capture aspects of East London and its relationship with sport. Each entry will be judged by and members of the Cultural Olympiad, with the winning entry being broadcast on as a flagship film of the Cultural Olympiad.

To book your place email or call 020 7247 4710 for more details.
Hellboy - Del Toro Relaunches

MovieScope magazine celebrates the relaunch of its website this week at, where they're currently running a cover feature on mythmaker Guillermo del Toro. They've also recently interviewed Raindance alum Christopher Nolan and are constantly providing fresh insider tips on various stages of filmmaking, from scriptwriting to directing and beyond.

In conjunction with the relaunch, they've begun offering a free download of the latest issue in a new digital format. To sign up for that service, check here.
The Smalls Showcase & Awards 2008

Today is the last public showing of shortlisted nominees for The Smalls Showcase & Awards 2008.

Each of the maximum five-minute long shortlisted entries, will be shown on iPod Touch players at London's Exposure Gallery. The best films will be awarded with Gold, Silver, Bronze and 'Best New Talent' - a category open specifically to a student or graduate - at The Smalls Awards 2008.

22-23 Little Portland Street

Open today (Thurs) to the public between 10 & 6pm

For further information on the event go to their website.
Mary bloody Poppins Alumni

Lest we at Raindance forget our deep ties with both the Scottish theatre and the chip-cheery legacy of Julie Andrews' Mary Poppins, an adaptation of the production penned by course alum Julian Fellows (of "Gosford Park" script fame) launches at Edinburgh's Playhouse Theatre on October 2.

Fellowes teamed with director Richard Eyre and choreographer Matthew Bourne, creating a show that apparently balances the eager spirit of Andrews' rendition with the more sinister implications of the original source novels.

A spoonful of sugar... laced with a bit of arsenic?

"Perfect photography, larger screens, hi-fi sound, all make it possible for mediocrities slavishly to reproduce nature; and this reproduction bores me. What interests me is the interpretation of life by an artist."

Jean Renoir
Dope Sheet. A list of scenes from the script that have already been filmed, or a list of the contents of an exposed reel of film stock.

Raindance Logo
Joe Pearshouse and the Raindance team
Elliot Grove
Suzanne Ballantyne
Will Pearce
Jesse Vile
James Merchant
Xavier Rashid
Amelie Thille
Rory O'Donnell
Chris Presswell
James Burbidge
Frederica Byron
Mike Spreter

In Memory Of Norman Whitfield, Rick Wright & David Foster Wallace

Thinking of a film course?

Get the Raindance Course Catalogue

Forward to a friend
Help spread the Raindance word by clicking on the Forward email button below.


Not too bad at all.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

IN DEPTH FILM REVIEW - Don't Ring The Doorbell

Don't Ring The Doorbell indeed.


How to Festival at Raindance
Please contact us with any questions at the email address or phone number listed below.
Many ways to Festival...
Don't Miss Out 1 - 12 October, London's West end

There are three ways to attend Raindance:

1. Individual Tickets
£10/£6 concs
- from Cineworld 0871 200 2000
- online through our website on individual film pages

2. Opening and Closing Night
£25 each directly from Raindance online
Oct 1st Opening Night is Choke from Chuck Palahniuk's book.
Book Online Here
Oct 12th Closing Night: Hush - the stylish UK debut thriller
Book Online Here Includes After Party and Goodie Bag

3. Festival Pass (limited availability)
It doesn't take many screenings at Raindance to make a Festival Pass worth while.
For £125.00 attend all the screenings, parties and Opening and Closing Night events.
Book Online Here
Includes Festival Tee and bag
Contact Us
phone: +44 (0) 207 287 3833
Save £25.00
Become a member of Raindance and save £25.00 on a Festival Pass
October 1 - 12
Cineworld Shaftsbury, Piccadilly Circus, London
200 films from around the world

Saturday, September 13, 2008


Mel Brooks had some fantastic ideas in this film.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Bad Disney Movie

“Equality is not in being great. Great black people
have always been compensated. The true equality is
the equality to suck like a white man” - Chris Rock

“I wish my parents had spent more time worrying about
my education than me being a star.” - Shania Twain.
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|_| |_| 11.09.08 ISSUE 413
Free every week: to subscribe/unsubscribe
go to

* God hates UK & Ireland, apparently
* Chris Morris: New TV idea bombs
* Charts: Kings of Leon are number one

>> RIP VMAs <<
MTV make mockery of world

Poor old Britney. Once again used by outside
interests and corporations. Men, mum, record
label, paps - they've all used Brit to make
cash with no regard to her mental health. After
years at the top of pop and some of the greatest
pop songs of the last decade she couldn't get
arrested at MTV awards ceremonies. Now,
as US pop looks, for once, so second rate
that it can't break out beyond tween circles,
Viacom uses the poor, fragile, obviously over-
medicated ex-pop star for publicity and news.
One of the least impressive, least bought records
suddenly make her a star. Yeah right. Nothing
should be able to withstand this amount of
cynicism. Death to the Video Music Awards!

Russell Brand tried to smash the mediocrity, at least.
Enjoy the online comments, many more like this one:
"Russell WHO? I didn't realise this show was an Osama
(sic) campaign rally. Imagine if Cedric the Entertainer
came to London and did a bit about Margaret
Thatcher and Alzheimers." Nick, Austin TX, USA

Russell Brand has/had a black and white cat
called Morrissey.

>> Brass neck <<
BBC say Airline Plot good, Morris bad?

Chris Morris. Role model for news and comedy
shows on TV. He has a brilliant new show idea.
The Brass Eye provocateur has written a comedy
about a Jihadi wannabe suicide bomber cell
in the North of England. It's funny and topical.
The perfect TV show? Well, maybe to you and me.
To the BBC and C4, the channels we hear he
offered it to, it's not. They've said no to it.
Possibly too scared at the subject content?

Did you see the recent "Airline Plot" terror trial?
The jury didn't convict but on the same day, the
BBC thought it was appropriate to use their news
programmes to attack that jury, and put out a
Panorama show called "The Airline Plot" -
when a jury had decided that no such plot existed.
And Morris can't get his show commissioned!

A DRC Government minister has ordered a Kinshasa jail
to release a dozen goats. They were to appear in court,
charged with being sold illegally by the roadside.

>> BBC: arse from elbow? <<
Can you teach a dog New Tricks

The BBC has a series called New Tricks which is
incredibly successful It stars popular but
uncool actors James Bolam, Amanda Redman and
Dennis Waterman as detectives. It's proved
a massive hit with viewers. All good? You'd
think. Except BBC suits HATE it. And its
success. BBC Drama has targets, focus group
works and demographics to hit and this
doesn't. Cue soul searching, and bitter
recriminations among executives who don't
think this should be BBC output.

Best new film to look forward to: JCVD. The story
of an actor called Jean-Claude Van Damme. Starring
an actor called Jean-Claude Van Damme.

>> Horsing around <<
You couldn't make it up

The Bobbi Brown concession at Selfridges
has a lot of wealthy or famous customers.
Recently a wealthy Arab sheik turned up to
buy make up. He wanted it for... his white
stallion. He gave a photo of the horse to
staff and asked them what he needed to
make-up the horse to look beautiful. He
walked off with a haul including brushes,
eye shadows, blushers, gel eyeliner, and
make up remover - costing more than three grand.

Webbed feet, like Rachel Stevens and, it appears,
dozens of Popbitch readers have, apparently are a
sign that your ancestors came from Venice.

>> Drop the pilot <<
They know everything about everyone

One of the best sites now is the Professional
pilots Rumour Network. Here's the latest
celebrities-on-planes news

"Cilla Black - she should be shot"
"You don't talk to Ms Black. Ms Black
will talk to you. Ms Black only sits in 1".

"Michael Winner. Words fail me at how
important he thinks he is".

"Jodie Kidd - she is Michael Winner in drag".

"Friend works on check-in and has witnessed
Madonna throwing her toys out twice - once over
not being able to sit in 1A on Concorde and another
time over not being allowed her excess luggage free.

"Rachel Stevens - cried because we wouldn't
upgrade her"

More next week...

An anagram of Mercury Music Prize winner "Elbow's
Guy Garvey" - Vaguely Web Orgy.

>> Big Questions <<
What people are asking this week

Which Brit tabloid hacks covering
Gary Glitter recently has a particularly
strong connection with the story? He lives
in Bangkok and enjoys hanging out in the
under-age bars in the city.

(Ancient jokes home: What's the difference
between Gary Glitter and a greyhound? The
greyhound waits for the hare.)

One of Britain's professors running the Large
Hadron Collider is the ex-keyboard player
of D:Ream, Professor Brian Cox.

>> Fan love <<
Publicists love Leona?

Every week we get thousands of emails from
readers. Sometimes PR companies try to smuggle
stories in. Which do you think this is from
- PR or genuine fan?

"I here from a PA at a big publishing company
that there is a bidding war in progress for the
auction of the first official Leona Lewis book
to be published in 2009 ...... Sound exiting for
her global fans and I am one...
I am sure it will be great. T"

Roger Fisher from Heart has pledged he'll give the
royalties earned from his song Barracuda being played
for Republicans straight to the Obama campaign.

>> God hates the UK <<
And Ireland, apparently

"Have we told you lately that God hates the UK?"
The lovely Phelps family of Westboro Baptist
Church, aka the God Hates Fags gang, have a
new target: the UK.

Apparently we're being punished for our "fag
enabling ways". They blame: The Church of
England, "Enough said about that filthy false
religion". And the Government, "Its head is
the Sovereign, Queen Elizabeth, II. That’s
right - the exact same Queen Elizabeth, II,
who is the head of the Church of England."
No shit, Sherlock.

And God's punishment: London tornado in 2006
(6 injured), the 2003 European heatwave "which
included the U.K" and last but not least,
the Black Plague (1666, when sodomy was very

Next week: "God hates Ireland, Land of
the Sodomite Damned"


JS writes: "David Walliams was in Wagamama Dublin.
Very unassuming and has lost weight. IDNSH noodles."

>> Horse play <<
Nagging the best man

Australian weddings can be weird things. A
stag night in Sydney recently went so wrong it
went to court. Everything was going well, the
stripper was popular, until the best man was
called upon to do his bit. He ended up on all
fours, with the stripper on top of him, brandishing
a dildo. The, apparently conservative best man
is said to have told the stripper, "don't put
it in". "Moments later the best man squinted
and got up quickly, calling the stripper an
idiot and telling her to leave", the court heard.

"I feel that my manhood has dropped a bit," he
told police in his statement.

And the name of the stripper who ended up
"riding him like a horse"? Linda Naggs.

The three Jonas Brothers have a secret handshake.
One of them is diabetic.

>> Love wars <<
Bristol hits the baby news again

France's Minister of Justice, Rachida Dati,
has announced she is pregnant, but isn't
going to say who the father is. Spanish media
has started to report that one celebrity is
denying he is the father. Ex-President Jose
Maria Aznar. Apparently the two have been
friends for a while, and were spotted
recently partying at Paris' Bristol hotel
with the Sarkozys and Julio Iglesias.
Aznar, you may remember, made his name
on his Islamaphobia. Dati is half Morrocan
and half Algerian.

Anon writes: "Just seen your story on Carole
Cadwallader. She was sued once by a celebrity Brazilian
waxer and landed the Observer with a ฃ12k damages bill
for a three paragraph article. Not the brightest...?"

>> Sin City <<
Leather nights of Berlin

Last weekend was the Folsom Street Fair fetish
event in Berlin. The main party, PiG, was held
at a huge power station in Rummelsburg, East
Berlin. There were more than 3000 men in fetish
gear. Including George Michael. Nowadays gay
pop stars' dream is a West End Show. At
least George still shows them how it's
supposed to be done.

George has, rightly, been named as one of
Britain's top gays by Well
they call it "Poster Children for Sin" but we
prefer to accentuate the positives. Making up
the top five are Sir Elton John, Nicholas
Boles, Sir In McKellen and Boy George.

Jenna Dewan, the girl who Justin Timberlake left
Britney for, is getting married to Channing Tatum, who
was brilliant in A Guide To Recognising Your Saints.

>> Techdance <<
Ashton Kutcher gets on the web

Techcrunch 50 is, apparently, the Sundance of the
Tech Industry. It took place this week in San
Francisco, and Ashton Kutcher went along to launch
his new website. How 2001 of him! Our spy said:

* Demi Moore spotted wandering around "looking
shiny and expressionless" And she nearly broke
someone's nose trying out a Wii style golf game
on an iPhone.
* Ashton Kutcher "seemed to have B.O."
* Samantha Ronson DJd the Facebook afterparty:
"She did actually mix the records herself
(unlike Geldof, Lawler etc) but she wasn't very
good at it."
* Jack Johnson played the iPod press conference.
"He was rather good."
* Steve Jobs not dead, looks better than he did.
* Steve Wozniak is fat, but good-natured and
posed for photos with awestruck geeks.

Kutcher's site:

Richard Gere's middle name is Tiffany. Billie
Piper's middle name is Paul.

>> Things that make you go hmm <<
Palin porn, dog on wheels, Polish posters

"It's like a really bad Disney movie":
Matt Damon on politics. Interested in dinosaurs:

Super-cool film posters:

Kevin Godley has a dog on wheels.

James Whale has a great new TV job:

Sarah Palin porn-a-like:

GOLD - Like a mini-Latitude or Bestival but with
no mud. Booker Prize authors, 5-star Edinburgh
comedy, Luke Wright's Poetry Parlour, Martin
Creed's band, Gay Bingo, Heartbreak etc. 1pm -2am,
Saturday 27th September, Shoreditch Town Hall

>> Chart Predictions <<
New entries/High climbers Sun 14th September

++ Number One

++ Top Ten
CLIFF RICHARD Thank You For A Lifetime

++ Top Twenty
IGLU & HARTLY In This City

++ Top Forty
FLOBOTS Handlebars
CANCER Just Stand Up
BASSHUNTER Angel In The Night
SAM SPARRO Black & Gold
MIA Paper Planes
ELBOW One Day Like This

>> End Bit <<
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Thanks to: AM, SW, LM-ES, CS, xxx, SW, AP, R,
deep_stoat, abominablehoman, opus, Plamen,
party_b, patorubio, el_presidente

Old Jokes Home:
A deaf old man goes for a checkup to the doctors
with his wife.
Doctor, slowly: "Mr Roberts, I need a urine sample,
a faeces sample and a sperm sample please".
"What did he say dear?" says old Mr Roberts.
Mrs Roberts: "He says he needs your underpants".

Still Bored:
9/11 - seven years on: